What’s going on? I have no clue.

Several times in the past (and even more so now) I have heard about a thing called “pregnancy brain”. Basically it means that pregnant women become very forgetful, spacey, and tuned out as to what is going on. There have even been studies done about this so called phenomenon. Most recently I read an article disclaiming the fact that pregnant women get such a thing. In the study they had women take a “test” before, during and after pregnancy. They concluded that the women did not suffer from such a thing as pregnancy brain since they scored just as high on the test while pregnant as they did not pregnant.

I will stand here today and reject their findings whole heartedly and pledge that such a thing as pregnancy brain is true and does totally exist.

A pregnant woman’s brain is no dumber than when she is not pregnant it just functions differently. Things that would normally be a non-issue suddenly become near impossible to figure out. For instance the other day while talking to Wade about the stain we put on our deck which has completely come off in less than 2 years of wear I said “This stain is a shit hole”. What exactly does that mean? Wade cracked up. It made no sense. I realize that. But I basically wanted to explain my dislike for how shitty the stain was and my brain could not keep up with my mouth (similar to how I am while drunk). Would I have called the deck stain a shit hole if my brain weren’t working on overdrive already? Probably not. I probably would have said something much more intelligent like “This stain worked like shit” or “This stain is the equivalent of shit”. See? MUCH more intelligent.

However, due to my brain not functioning at it’s normal level of intelligence my mouth spoke before my brain could register what it wanted to say and I said something stupid. I also have a harder time coming up with the words that I am thinking of. Usually adjectives. So the terms shit, crap, awesome and good are used a lot more at this time. (This also explains the awful grammar and punctuation used throughout this post. Screw it.)

My take on the whole pregnancy brain theory is this: Pregnant women are not dumber, they are just overly stimulated with too many things at once and therefore cannot whole heartedly be involved in things as they used to.

Things that may be taking up the brain space of a pregnant woman:

- When is breakfast?
- Why is my face broken out worse than it was even in high school? I look like a pepperoni pizza.
- Yum. Pepperoni pizza…
- I’m so friggin tired. At least now I’m a pro at using my concealer to cover up my under eye circles though.
- Where is the nearest bathroom?
- Am I gaining too much weight? Am I gaining enough weight? Weight, weight, weight!
- Is my boob leaking?
- What is that smell? And how can I even smell things when I'm so stuffed up?
- Aw, the baby just kicked. So sweet. Love it!
- Oh shit! The baby just karate chopped my bladder! Where is the nearest bathroom???
- When is lunch?
- Dear Lord I’m tired. I wonder if I could take a nap under my desk like George Costanza…
- This shirt is too tight. Mental note to go shopping for more maternity wear. (Mental note forgotten immediately)
- Did I take my prenatal vitamin today? Crap. Did I take it yesterday?
- Need to visit child care centers.
- Need to find a pediatrician.
- Need to remember to ask about child birth classes at my next OB appointment.
- Need to buy crib, dresser, glider, bedding, car seat, high chair, etc etc etc.
- Is it safe for me to eat this? Can I drink that? Am I getting enough folic acid/calcium/vitamins?
- My feet are swelling. I have cankles! Must drink more water to keep swelling down.
- Gotta pee. Like now.
- Ow. Heartburn. SOB.
- Ow. Can’t walk. Hips feel like they are popping out of place.
- Ow. My sciatic nerve! Back/hip/leg pain!!!
- Ow. Round ligament pain. Can’t breathe. Hurts. Too. Bad. Curl into fetal position if possible.
- When is dinner?
- How does everything I eat end up on my shirt now?
- Holy shit the baby must be having a dance party in there. My belly is moving like crazy. It’s like an alien is inside me. That is creepy. Ew. Weird.
- Damn! Where did all this peach fuzz on my belly come from? Nasty!
- Frick! Is that a stretch mark??? It rubs the lotion on it's skin.
- I need to make a list of the 8 million things I need to do before this baby gets here. (Forget to make list)
- I wonder if that car seat I registered for is safe enough? Mental note to check consumer safety info on it. (Mental note forgotten immediately)
- Ah-choo. Shit. Just snissed myself. (Note: I have not actually done this yet which is amazing since I seem to be sneezing way more than ever now that I’m pregnant, but I hear it is a VERY common problem.)
- Which leads me to kegels. Remember to do kegels. Kegels, kegels, kegels.
- Do we have any ice cream?
- I need to go to the gym to stay in shape.
- Too tired to make it to the gym.
- When is bedtime? Now? Great. Must remember not to sleep on back.

Any pregnant ladies or moms feel like adding more? I KNOW I am forgetting a lot. It’s my pregnancy brain. I can’t help it.

Also, I apologize for not being out and reading/commenting on blogs lately. It seems all my free time is spent in a tired dazed coma like state. I am hopeful that I will come out of this fog at some point. Hopefully soon. Keep your fingers crossed.

(Oh also, news flash. Ricky Martin finally came out of the closet. Big surprise there. It’s about time Ricky. You weren’t fooling anyone.)