Drinking Lessons I've Learned

Things you should not do when drunk:

• Think you are a tough ass mo-fo (you could end up w/ a black and blue hand which is now turning green)


• Go shopping, including iTunes (Good for me, bad for our checkbook!)


• Dye your hair (mine has never turned out good after a few drinks)


• Handstands (you'll just fall on your head, trust me, Wade did)


• Learn how to unicycle


• Text (way too many things can go wrong w/ this situation)


• Eat entire medium pizzas from Domino’s and not share w/ anyone (I can be a greedy fat ass)


• Dance with a pool cue like you are a member of the flag squad (attractive I know)
  


• Drive (you may just forget where you parked your car, think it’s been towed, call your Dad to come pick you up only to see your car in a totally different location than where you thought it was and then have your Dad bitch you out b/c you are a stupid ass)


• Ride motorcycles (he crashed shortly after this)


• Throw up in front of your friends (oops)


• Turn into a meat-stick and pick stupid and useless fights w/ your significant other and try to move out in the middle of the night


• Take drunk pictures w/ a camera you found at a wedding only to figure out who it belonged to and give it back to them before remembering to erase the pictures


• Address Christmas cards (unless you have a lot of extra envelopes!)


• Climb up/down things (this quickly became a very scary situation for me)


• Eat pickled eggs (or pickled anything for that matter, nastiness overload, I about vomited 5 seconds after this picture was taken)


• Pee on my coffee table (or anywhere in my house other than a toilet)


• Get a tattoo

Things that are more fun when you are drunk:

• Video games (anyone up for some drunk Wii or Big Buck Hunter???)


• Dressing like a pimp


• Lipsynching to 80's songs (Madonna's greatest hits is my personal favorite)


• Walking in the cold/snow (somehow you just don’t feel the cold)


• Pretending you have short penis straw arms
  


• Eating (everything tastes SO DAMN GOOD!)


• Skinny dipping (sorry no pictures of this!)


• Putting makeup on your passed out friends (they look SO pretty!)


• Hiding in foliage


• Dancing


• Wearing fake facial hair


• Meeting new people


• Drawing fake tattoos on people


• Sticking your head out of the window while driving


• Working out (Katie really worked her pecs!)


• Taking pictures of your drunk passed out husband


• Hiding a deck of cards w/ pictures of naked men on them all over your friends house (sorry Tony & Tera! Look very closely at the center of the fridge...)


• Tailgating!!!


• Cooking (this could also fit on the top list but since I don’t cook much, I go by the saying “I like to cook with wine, sometimes I even put it in the food”)


• Beer bongs (duh)
  
  


• Putting pool cue chalk on your face


• Wrestling


• Cake fights


• Okay, you got me, just about EVERYTHING is more fun when you've been drinking

So, what do you guys have to add to either of these lists???

All I Want For Christmas...

There are some GREAT things out there this year that are just in time for Christmas. I thought I'd share a few of my favorites with you all. These will range from the extravagant (read: I will never buy it unless I hit the lottery) to the cheap (read: I could buy it myself, but it's much more fun to have someone else buy it for me).

• A sweater dress; I found this one on Amazon.com. So cute! But there are a ton others out there that I love as well.

• This cute braided tank from Victoria's Secret; perfect for layering or wearing alone

• New tall black boots; these are Steve Madden but there are SO many cute ones out there this season

• Wii Fit so I can get my rear in better shape!


• ISU golf club head covers (I know, kind of lame, but I need new ones so badly! I need to look cool on the golf course!)



• iPhone; my Razr just isn’t cutting it anymore!

• Apple MacBook; our computer at home has zero memory left and sounds like a plane is taking off

• Steven by Steve Madden Ruched Satin Pump; very sexy


• Black diamond jewelry; here is one option although I won’t discriminate, I love pretty much all of it!
• Another Chihuahua puppy = Adorable!

• A large body pillow (squashing my blanket to form a lump isn't working too well)
  
• Ruffle Prada Purse (seriously, how cute is this? I wish my bank account could handle it!)

• These fringe T-strap heels by Colin Stuart at Victoria's Secret are so unique and stylish
  

So what are some things on your wish list this holiday season?

Fa La La La Frenchman's!

My lady co-workers and I had our annual Christmas happy hour/gift exchange last night at Frenchman's. The best dive bar around. I mean just check out their light display. You can't beat that ambiance. Totally awesome.

And I had the world's worst headache this morning due to consuming one too many Raspberry Stoli/Sprites and a Purple Monkey shot. So I didn't come into work until noon. I am a lazy bitch. I love it.

Wordless Wednesday

So technically this specific post is not wordless, but in the future they will be. I got this idea from a fellow blogger, Exmi, and I liked it.

Enjoy!

November Recap: Picture overload

So since I was on vacay I've got a lot of stuff to tell you about but I'm going to try to keep it as short as possible. Be warned though, there are a TON of pictures coming up.

As promised a picture of Kobe as a little piggy for Halloween and me (getting my drink on as usual):















Here's a close up, seriously I don't think he could be ANY cuter:













Here is my new hair cut and color. It’s darker than it used to be although not as dark as I had originally planned to go. My stylist was afraid if I went too dark it would be too drastic and I wouldn’t like it, so we are going darker gradually instead. I like the subtle change though and am excited to try it even darker next time!


The weekend of the 15th we traveled to DeMo for my Dad's b-day. Happy birthday Dad! (the pic isn't very good since Kara and I were both a tad bit hungover...)












While there we also helped celebrate our friend Matt’s b-day at a little dive bar downtown. This place was the ultimate shit hole but for some reason Matt loves it. Just check out these pics if you don’t believe me.
Ade & Kara show off some kind of light that was tied up with the cord hanging down. Very elegant and I’m sure not a fire hazard in the least.




They also had ample seating choices; here is a very used and rotten barstool. Who wouldn't want to sit their ass down on that? I'm sure it is nice and comfy. (Oh and this wasn't the only one that looked this way, there were probably 2-3 others. Why would they even keep them???)




I did not get a picture of it but the women’s bathroom floor was soft, like the only thing holding you up was the linoleum b/c the wooden floor boards underneath it were rotten. I was so afraid I was going to fall through it and get stuck all night that I almost peed my pants instead of going in there.
And last but not least, the walls were beautifully done w/ art (ie: magic marker graphitti). Well, Leslie, you naughty girl, you. :)



But even though we were in a total crap hole we had a blast seeing everyone and helping Matt celebrate getting another year older! Happy B-day Matt!













The other night out in DeMo we went to a new country bar even though I hate country. Luckily this “country” bar didn’t play any country music (strange, but fine by me!). The only thing country about it was the mechanical bull. We convinced Wade to give it a go. Since he is a cowboy and he can ride a bucking horse we figured he should be able to ride a bull. And ride it he did.






I also got a great picture of him when he fell off. He looks like he’s doing a little jig. Too funny!

There was also a girl at this bar who was wearing something that women w/ cellulite should NEVER wear. Check out that thigh. Wow. She was dancing w/ a guy who kept picking her up and her ass was constantly falling out of that short little thing of a skirt. And I'm not even going to get started on those socks. Let’s also keep in mind that it was probably only about 20 degrees out that night. Some girls are so classy. I almost feel bad for criticizing her b/c I have my own fair share of cellulite, but you know what? I keep my ass covered up. She could learn a thing or two about that.



And I can't very well leave you with that picture b/c your eyes will likely erode and fall out, so instead I'll leave you with this thrilling house update/picture. Wade worked on putting the ceiling up in the garage so that he can insulate it and heat it and make it his 2nd home. Once he’s done I’m sure he’ll be living out there. He sure loves his garage time. Oh well, the TV control becomes all mine then!

Wow. I am finally caught up. Blog vacations suck. It takes FOREVER to get back into the swing of things. Glad you guys are still stopping by. Til next time!

Something New To Munch On

Not much for you today. I'm working on getting a post w/ all my updates on it but it's gonna be a bit long. So for today I'll leave you with this:

Kobe found a new favorite treat. Hopefully he'll stop the rug munching now that he has something better to chew on.

Happy Friday my friends!


* Also, make sure you turn up your volume to get the full chomping effect. :) (It's a short video)

We’ve got a Rug Muncher on our Hands!

I hope everyone had a wonderful Thanksgiving holiday. Thanks to the shitty Midwest weather we didn’t get back in town until 11pm Sunday night and I was too much of a cranky bitch yesterday (and SWAMPED at work) to post. I am now recovered and thought it would be nice to grace you with my presence back in blog land. Hello again and welcome back!

Every Thanksgiving (actually every holiday for that matter) consists of plenty of driving for Wade and me. We generally start out at one of our families and then a day or two later continue onto the next family. Round trip we end up driving for about 14 hours total. It kind of sucks, but in the end it is totally worth it to be able to see everyone. This Thanksgiving was no different. We began by heading down to Des Moines to visit my side of the family. My Mom, Aunt Ranee, Kara and I consumed what can only be approximated as a tub of wine on Thanksgiving (the men got annoyed and watched football). Things that happened after that I don’t have the sharpest recollection of however Wade has graciously reminded me of some of them:

• The heel on my boot broke off (due to my clumsy clomping around drunk I’m sure) and I begged Wade to fix it w/ super glue “right this instance”.
• We found the game ‘Girl Talk’ in the basement and brought it upstairs. I proceeded to put ‘zit’ stickers on everyone in attendance. My Mom and Aunt Ranee went over board and completely zitted their faces (see below).
• We played Scattergories and on one round I could only think of 2 words. Two! That is the equivalent of me becoming legally retarded. Needless to say, I lost badly.
• The barstool got sick of my drunk ass and kicked me off of it and I fell flat on my ass. Barstool - 1; Kellie - way too many.
• I whined to Wade that I was going to make an awful mother whenever we have a kid (I’m sure this drunk banter about kids is due to the fact that EVERYONE I know either already has a kid or is in the midst of having one and I’m just not ready yet!)
• My Mom (who has wanted a grandkid since the second we walked down the aisle) said that if I didn’t want to have a kid I shouldn’t have one then, to which I replied that Wade would divorce me if I didn’t give him a baby and began whining about it to them all (I’m sure Wade was super pleased about this).
• I bitched my lazy ass sister out for not wanting to come back to our “Wonderful Thanksgiving Festivus” after they were done at her boyfriend’s and guilted her into coming back. I’m sure she regretted that decision as soon as she saw how seriously drunk my Mom and I were.
• We drunkenly drew on a canvas my mom had that she wanted to paint something on and I declared we were going to be the next Picasso and Monet.

Consensus: I’m super fun when drunk and I should be drunk more often.

The next morning at 4:30 am Wade and I had to wake up to drive to Galesburg to get there in time for his grandpa’s funeral. That sucked. I felt like there was an earthquake going on in my head. There are a lot of mundane details in between all of this and the rug munching incident. Should I just skip through it all? Yeah why not.

Shortly after eating our 2nd Thanksgiving meal at Wade’s mom’s house we settled in by the fire, drank some more wine/beer and started playing cards. After a game or two of kicking ass, Wade’s Aunt Deb and I got up to go get some more wine. We enter the kitchen and see Kobe on the rug beneath the sink. But he’s not looking normal. He looks… guilty. I flip on the lights to better inspect him and whatever the hell he is doing in there. At first I don’t notice anything odd other than the rug is folded over at the corner. So I lean down to lay it flat and then I see it. A piece of red rug drops out of Kobe’s mouth. I look closer at the rug and notice that he has chewed an entire portion about the size of a baseball off of the rug. Since it is nowhere to be found I can only conclude that he has ingested it. But WTF? What kind of dog eats a rug? And then I remember… While Wade was slicing the turkey earlier that day some of the turkey juice had spilled out onto the floor. We thought we had gotten it all wiped up but some of it must have landed on the rug b/c the way Kobe was going to town on that rug was amazing.
He is now a practiced rug muncher which is funny b/c I always thought he was gay. I mean, the only other dog he likes and plays with is Bo Naughty and when I say “likes” I mean doesn’t snarl at and when I say “plays with” I mean humps. The rest of our evening was spent making sure Kobe didn’t throw up or shit red rug all over the place (which he never did) and gambling at dice (I won $10) and drinking more and more wine. Yippie.

I’m still waiting for that red rug to show up…

Too cute to leave out...

Sweet Baby Jesus...

Taking a vacation from blog land is really effing up my progress at actually getting things done at work. Since our internet at home is on the fritz (what's new?) I am trying to cram it all in really fast at work. It's not working out too well. I'll hopefully have a new and exciting post up this afternoon covering the most anticipated subject ever... Rug munching!

If that won't get you back here then I don't know what will. To be continued...