You Know The Economy is Bad When...

Your cubicle at work now looks like this:

Seriously, this cracked me up. These people took A LOT of time to do this. Just look at all the details! And no, it is not my actual office. I got this in an email and thought it was hilarious and wanted to share.

In other office "funnies":

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NEW OFFICE POLICY

Dress Code:

1) You are advised to come to work dressed according to your salary.

2) If we see you wearing Prada shoes and carrying a Gucci bag, we will assume you are doing well financially and therefore do not need a raise.

3) If you dress poorly, you need to learn to manage your money better, so that you may buy nicer clothes, and therefore you do not need a raise.

4) If you dress just right, you are right where you need to be and therefore you do not need a raise.

Sick Days:

We will no longer accept a doctor's statement as proof of sickness. If you are able to go to the doctor, you are able to come to work.

Personal Days:

Each employee will receive 104 personal days a year. They are called Saturdays & Sundays.

Bathroom Breaks:

Entirely too much time is being spent in the toilet. There is now a strict three-minute time limit in the stalls. At the end of three minutes, an alarm will sound, the toilet paper roll will retract, the stall door will open, and a picture will be taken. After your second offense, your picture will be posted on the company bulletin board under the 'Chronic Offenders' category. Anyone caught smiling in the picture will be sectioned under the company's mental health policy.

Lunch Break:

* Skinny people get 30 minutes for lunch, as they needto eat more, so that they can look healthy.

* Normal size people get 15 minutes for lunch to get abalanced meal to maintain their average figure.

* Chubby people get 5 minutes for lunch, because that'sall the time needed to drink a Slim-Fast.

Thank you for your loyalty to our company. We are here to provide a positive employment experience. Therefore, all questions, comments, concerns, complaints, frustrations, irritations, aggravations, insinuations, allegations, accusations, contemplations, consternation and input should be directed elsewhere.

The Management

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My favorite part is the bathroom break photo op. :) I was laughing so hard they thought I was actually having fun at work so I immediately shut my yapper.

I hope you all have a wonderous weekend. We are traveling south to Des Moines to see friends/family and watch some b-ball. It will be nice to get away from it all for a bit. Talk to you all next week!

Wordless Wednesday

Twins w/ twins! Our great neighbors, Keith & Jess, have the cutest twin boys born in October. Adorable!

Rectum? Damn Near Killed Em!

I know we aren't supposed to laugh at other's misfortunes, but this is just too good not to share. I'm sure some of you have seen this before, but regardless it is funny each time I watch it. In fact, I think it get even funnier each time I see it. And I laugh so hard I snort. And then I look around to see if anyone heard me. And then I giggle under my breath. And I start laughing out loud again. And then I feel kind of bad for laughing at this poor woman. But then I come to my senses and get the fuck over it. Fact is, it's hilarious. I have no clue if she got hurt or not, but regarless I'm sure she's fine by now. So enjoy a good laugh for your Monday! It's deserved. Monday's suck balls.

It's Friday the 13th so Ya'll Need a Little Scare

The wonderful Andy over at Wild ARS Chase did a photo challenge and since I have a lack of better things to post today I thought I’d join in the fun.

The rules are as follows:
1. Go to your picture files or wherever you store your pictures on your computer.

2. Go to the sixth folder and select the sixth picture.

3. Post it on your blog and tell the story behind the picture.

4. Go tell it on the mountain. Or to other bloggers.

So here goes (God this is embarrassing):

Did I scare you?

This picture was taken last September while in Vegas for the ISU/UNLV game. I have no idea what I am doing. I was very intoxicated at this point. It looks like I ate something that was hot, but at this point we were sitting outside on a patio drinking and we didn’t have anything to eat. So your guess is as good as mine. Want to play the caption game with it? I’m sure most of you can come up with a goodie.


So instead of selecting people to tag to do this photo challenge (although to be honest it wasn't all that challenging) I'd like to request all my readers to give it a go. It's cheap fun. Kind of like me. And I want to see them all. Especially if you have some embarrassing photo of yourself come up like I did. :)

Happy Friday the 13th! And have a drunken fun weekend!

Wordless Wednesday

The newest baby addition to my friends who are popping them out like Orville Redenbacher; Baby Owen. He's adorable.

Walk This Way

In this post I will try to charm the money right out of your pockets and into my donations to go towards fighting MS.

Top Ten Reasons Why You Should Donate to my MS Walk:

10. I'll be walking approximately 3 miles with my dog who is adorable and will army crawl for approximately 2.5 miles of it and make me carry him for the remaining .5 mile, therefore making my walk take at least an hour longer than any normal person.

Donate to my mom or I will poop in your shoes.

9. Let's face it. MS Sucks. Luckily I don't have it. But my good friend Katie and over 400,000 other Americans do. And really, they deserve a better life.

8. I will do the walk drunk (who am I kidding, this one is a bonus for me)

7. So... I will add on drunk and in high heels and my short bike skirt w/ built in shorts. It will be the worst outfit of all time but since it has built in shorts I will flash for donations. But only if you donate and want me to. (who am I kidding, I'll flash anyway)

6. I will introduce you to my hot, single sister if you are a male and are interested. (I'm sure she'll be okay with this, even though I haven't asked her yet.) :)

She's a looker, ain't she?

5. I will find a very embarrassing photo of myself and post it on my blog for you all to see and make fun of me. It will probably be from junior high b/c I was seriously so super good looking back then. Or not. In fact I had a friend back then tell me that I was so flat the walls were jealous of me. So I was a flat chested, high banged, stringy haired tween. Hotness.

4. Hell, we all went through a bad looking phase at one time or another right? So I'll also post a more recent bad photo of myself. I will probably be drunk in it. Like slurring words, lazy eyes, tripping over my own feet drunk. I usually look pretty hot at that point.

3. Your mom wants you to donate. You really should do what your mom asks.

2. If you donate I will write a blog post exclaiming how cool you are. And if you have a blog I'll link back to it and proclaim to the world that you seriously rule.

1. If you don't donate I will tell everyone that you hate babies and little furry bunnies and kick puppies and beat little old ladies and you are a terrorist who thinks people w/ MS suck and you have herpes.

Here's my page, rock on:

http://main.nationalmssociety.org/site/TR/Walk/NTHWalkEvents?px=4521285&pg=personal&fr_id=10336&s_tafId=103206

Everyone Loves a Little Porker

This lil porker's mama couldn't care for him for some reason, so this lovely little Dachshund took him in as one of her own and loved him and squeezed him and pet him and licked him and kept him forever. His name is Pink. Isn't it adorable? Sorry. I have nothing much for you again today. I suck. (That's what she said)

Happy Monday! Yeah, right. Monday's blow and we all know it.

You Know What Really Grinds My Gears?

When I can feel a hair tickling me in between my boobs but I can’t get it out b/c A. I’m at work and don’t want to be caught w/ my hand down my shirt and B. when I make a break for the bathroom to find this said hair I pull my shirt open and can’t. find. tickling. hair. anywhere. And that's what grinds my gears.

Sorry. That’s all I’ve got for you today. I'm hungover. Deal with it.

Wordless Wednesday

Dem People Up Der In Da Nort Shur Know How Ta Partay

Our annual trip up to Bessemer this year surely did not disappoint. In fact it flat out kicked ass. More specifically, it kicked my ass.

The weekend began with a bang on Thursday night when my sister (Kara) and Adro arrived. We promptly opened some beers and began our Guitar Hero playing. Adro sucked at it, but that’s okay b/c not everyone can be a rock star like myself. Guitar Hero led to Mario Kart which Adro was better at and more and more drinks were consumed. We knew we had to get up early to hit the road by 9am and travel north but that didn’t stop us from staying up until nearly 3am. Needless to say, the wake up call Friday morning came very early.

Our caravan loaded up and headed to Uptown Bar for what was supposedly the best breakfast around and by golly it sure as hell was. Adro and I got a gyro omelet which could only be described as the size of a football (I’m not kidding), Wade got a ham and cheese omelet with tons of ham chunks the size of ping pong balls (again I’m not kidding) and everyone else’s meals were just as large. It was ridiculous how much food we got. Thankfully the screwdriver I got with breakfast definitely helped me kick the queasiness from the night before and we hit the road.

Once on the road we realized we packed the cooler w/ all our drinks in the back of the van so we promptly asked Wade to haul his molesterrific van over to the side and bring our cooler up front. Being the courteous chauffeur he was, he graciously did as asked and our drinking began for realsies. By the time we made it to Bessemer (approx 4 hour drive) we had consumed 2 big mugs full of Captain/Pepsi and a 24 ouncer of Miller Lite and I was quite positive my bladder was going to burst upon stepping out of the van. I sucked it up and ran inside the Abbey like I was on going to piss out of every orifice if not given a toilet NOW and luckily I made it.

To be completely honest with you a lot of Friday night is a blur. I have quite a few pictures that piece parts of it together. I know I played Euchre twice and won 1 game and lost the other.

I know there was some dancing,

some hair air vent blowing,

some booty tappin,

and some face licking.

I also know I passed out around 11pm. You may be saying that I am a total wuss but I’d like you to know I outlasted a good percentage of the people there AND I had been drinking for 14 hours. Come on now! 14 hours is ridiculous! I haven’t done that kind of drinking in ages! I’m proud of us. (I also threw up, but we’ll leave most of the details of that out. Thanks hun for taking care of my pukey face. Nuf said.)

Saturday morning was hellish. A lot of the group got up and went skiing/boarding but not me. Kara, Adro and I stayed holed up until about 2pm sleeping, resting, cleaning up and getting rid of our hangovers. But by 2pm we were so hungry we were going to eat our faces off so we finally ventured out and got some Little Caesar’s. I must say right now that Little Caesar’s is the bomb diggity. Seriously it is so flipping good. And we hadn’t really eaten anything since our huge breakfast the day before so we were starving Marvins! After eating and getting some Sobe Adrenalines (the best energy drinks out there) we headed back to the Abbey and made our first beverages. We also made up a card game that we call “Shit Balls”. Best drinking game ever. No brain needed to play. We rule.

Everyone began coming back from their ski/board adventures and the drinking games began. Card games, flippy cup, quarters, you name it and it was probably played. Kara passed out at 6:15. How do I know this? B/c I was carrying my iPhone everywhere and put a note in it that said exactly that. Along w/ a note that says “You’ll poop badly tomorrow”. I have no idea what that means but its funny b/c it says poop. So in a period of approximately 3 hours Kara drank so much she passed out and I drew the best tattoo ever of a tree on her side. I think it’s my best work yet! What do you think? And how do you like the side boob? :)

We woke her up about an hour later and she was good to go again. We made macaroni and cheese w/ bacon (that had fallen on the floor) and Hormel chili and hash browns. Yes, all of this was mixed together and even in my drunken state it tasted disgusting. Sam slipped and fell on the floor where the bacon had dropped b/c of all the grease which was hilarious and I wish we would have gotten it on video.

There was scissoring (notice Kara and I's legs),

boob grabbing,
crotch grabbing,
and unicycling.
And in general all sorts of things that most sober people would not even dream of. It was GRAND! We made it to the Pit Stop bar and Wade unicycled the whole way there. That is talent! We had a few more before they kicked us out (and Sam passed out at the table)
and then headed back to the Abbey. This night I was up until 3:30am. Thankyouverymuch. I CAN hang.