Wasting Away Again in Bloggerville

http://failblog.org/

Seriously, this is funny shit. My new favorite website (thanks Kara for pointing me to it!)

We're packing and moving today, so no blog time for me. I'm definitely going to be needing a drink (or 9) tonight after work!

Happy Friday!

Talk About A Crappy Ride!

I received this in an email, it is supposedly a post that was on Craigslist (although I have not taken the time to verify it's authenticity, I just thought it was funny so I thought I'd share).
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To the woman that crapped in my car. (NE Portland)

We met on Craigslist so I am hoping that this post finds you. I know that it could quite possibly be the most humiliating first date that you have ever been on, but I am willing to look past that.

I thought we had chemistry sitting at McMenamins sharing that basket of Cajun Tots while drinking the Terminator Stout. I really felt like there was a connection there. I found you to be intelligent and witty and looked forward to further conversation with you.

At some point in life, everyone has gambled on a fart and lost. It just happened to be on a first date in the passenger seat of my car. Please don't feel bad. The package I sent you with Pepto the next day and the note that said "First dates are always a crap shoot. Call me" was meant to be funny, not offensive.

I have gambled on a fart and lost on multiple occasions. The first time I did it was very memorable. It happened when I was five and sitting on my uncle's lap. I am lactose intolerant, but love cheese. I probably win 95% of the time, but I don't think anyone wins 100% of the time. That's why they call it "gambling". I'm the last person to judge you for crapping your pants. In fact, I am impressed by your boldness. The timing on the other hand, could have been a tad bit better...like when you're not sitting on a heated leather seat...

What I am trying to say is that if you want to go out again, I would be more than happy to take you someplace where we can get a meal that is high in fiber and less taxing on the digestive tract.

I await your call,
Tad

P.S. - If you shat yourself on purpose to end the evening early. Touché.
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This guy has got to get an award for most understanding or something. If Wade shat himself on our 1st date I'm pretty sure I wouldn't be willing to give him a 2nd. Is that harsh?

Wordless Wednesday

So today won't be wordless, but I'm gonna keep it short. We've been busy. Swamped in fact. I haven't had time to read any blogs let alone post on mine. Hopefully next week will be better.

I'm taking this Wordless Wednesday back in time. Five years ago. Dang! Look at me! It's weird how fast time flies. This feels like just yesterday. Okay, not yesterday. But maybe just a year ago or so. Definitely not 5 years ago! Wade and I had been together for 2 years at this point. We look so young. And my hair looks like crap! But that beer looks mighty tasty. Das Boot!
Also in Wii Fit news, I've knocked my age down to 28! Yippee! I'm now one year less than my actual age. Although I still think it is all bullshit.

Hells Bells

Dear President Obama,

I’ve come to realize that the situation within the United States of America is in fact much more dire than I originally anticipated, therefore I have come to write you this letter requesting your help. I know you just stepped into office and are a newborn baby president, however this is of the utmost importance. You see, just this last weekend “Mall Cop” was the number one movie in the theaters. This can mean only one thing. We Americans are even more idiotic than originally predicted. Please you are our last hope. While G’dubya was in office we could count on him to say something that made us feel sharper, brighter, maybe even smart, but now you just flaunt your intelligence w/ perfectly written and articulated speeches. So please, help us, your fellow Americans. Not only are we now at a loss of humor when our president speaks but we have obviously caught whatever it was that Bush had. I mean, “Mall Cop”? Seriously?

Sincerely yours,

Not Quite That Dumb Yet

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An update on last weekend: We didn’t make it to the Monster Jam unfortunately. Our friends, Bob and Amy asked us to join them at the Cabooze for a tribute to the man in black (Johnny Cash if you didn’t get that reference) and well, that was way too good to pass up. The show was AWESOME. I have some pics but haven’t had a chance to upload any yet. Also, I apologize if there is a lack of posts and updates currently and into the next week. I’ve been extremely busy and don’t see that going away until the end of the month. I’m still trying to keep up though so bear with me.

Wordless Wednesday

Mmm...an eye for dinner sounds delish!

I just saw this and had to share. I don't know why... But OMG. I think I just threw up a little in my mouth. What a nut job. In other more pleasant news it is ABOVE ZERO! The temp in my car said 7! Hal-freakin-luliah! It's like a heat wave! Happy Friday!

A Texas death-row inmate who plucked out his right eye before his 2004 trial has dug out his left eye and eaten it, The Associated Press reports.
Andre Thomas, 25, has a history of mental troubles. He was convicted of fatally stabbing his estranged wife, their young son and her 13-month-old daughter before ripping their hearts out. After Thomas pulled out his right eye while in the Grayson County Jail, a judge ruled he was competent to stand trial.
Thomas was treated at the prison infirmary after gouging out his eye Dec. 9 and has been moved to a psychiatric facility outside Houston.
"He will finally be able to receive the mental health care that we had wanted and begged for from day 1," Bobbie Peterson-Cate, Thomas' trial attorney, told the Sherman Herald Democrat. "He is insane and mentally ill. It is exactly the same reason he pulled out the last one."
No execution date has been set.

What'chu lookin at?

You think he's nuts? I dunno. Seems pretty normal to me.

It's Alright Now, In Fact It's A Gas!

This Saturday we have decided that we are going to go watch monster trucks at the Monster Jam in the Metrodome. (You may start your white trash references now) This kind of event is fun to me for two reasons:
1. I get to get schnockered
2. I get to laugh at all the inbred, wife-beater wearing, mullet growing hicks that are sure to be there.

The white-t seriously flock to these events like zombies to brains. Or like me to alcohol. Either way. Anything to do with motorized racing, crashing, smashing, etc, and you can guarantee that they will be there and screaming their heads off.

Wade and I decided to go to this after figuring out we have absolutely no plans scheduled for this weekend and it is a freaking arctic frozen tundra up here as of lately. (Seriously, the high today was -5 degrees. NEGATIVE! Screw you winter!) After we determined we had no plans we tried to come up with something that would be fun to do. We decided that getting trashed and going to the Monster Jam could prove to be fun. So we are going to go bar hopping prior to the event and by the time we get there we will be sloshed. Do you think it is sad that this is our idea of fun in this cold ass freezing state we live in? Personally I do. It’s a sad day in my social life. I never thought I’d see myself resorting to getting lit while watching hicks drive big trucks over small cars and smash them up. Super smash!

I’m sure by now you all are probably thinking that I must be the most hick chick to go along with this. Heck, I play Big Buck Hunter, go to dive bars and even go shooting over my holiday vacation (which is another option of something we may do this weekend). I belong in a van down by the river. I’m pretty sure that the next thing you know Wade and I will be moving to Arkansas and living in a trailer park with my Aunt Maude and Uncle Cletus. Seriously I think this boredumb will be the death of me.

Wade and I's wedding picture (aren't we smokin?)

Coming up next: I’ll be showing you pictures of my mullet growing progress. Boy is it getting long!

Wordless Wednesday

Toasting Late to 2008

I said I’d be posting my tribute to 2008 and like most things in my life I am late for it. But I always use the saying “better late than never”. That is my motto. Procrastination is my friend. My best friend. Sorry Wade.

So without further adieu some of my favorite moments of 2008:

Going to Ft. Myers with my in-laws. Seriously I am the luckiest woman alive. My in-laws rule. Not many people can say that (and actually mean it!)

Bessemer ’08 – This used-to-be church has seen a lot of scandal!

E’s 2 attempts at a bachelorette party (neither of which turned out as planned, but both of which were fun!)

My old roomies coming to town

Brad & Erika’s Mexico wedding (the highlight of the year!)

St. Patrick’s Day Finnegan’s Pub Crawl
Seeing Zed Leppelin play again (GREAT cover band! Just look at that hair!)

Buying a new car

Turning 29 (my last year of my 20’s! Ahhhh!!!) and getting to see a lot of my wonderful friends!

Our 2nd Annual 4th of July kegger

Finishing our deck (and then having deck parties) and getting our stepping stones laid. Our back yard is finally starting to resemble a.... back yard!!! :)

Going to Galesburg and relaxing on Lake Braken (always practice water safety!) :)

Buzzards & Beer (the year of the stasches)

Going to Vegas to see ISU play UNLV (the 2nd top highlight of the year even though we lost!)
Getting together w/ good friends

Getting to see so many of my friends have babies and watching those that already have them grow! They are so cute! (This isn't even half of them! And there are still tons more on the way!)

Overall, 2008 was a great year for us. We were blessed w/ good health, great friends and family and wonderful times. We were really busy but we still managed to squeeze in a few fun trips. Here’s to hoping everyone has a wonderfulastic 2009!

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Leading into 2009 I have already been given the honor of receiving another award! This one comes from Bon Don (one of my favorites and a BBF!) Thank you hun! I will try to pass this along shortly. I’m still trying to get caught up, but I wanted you to know I appreciate it!!!

Bang, Bang (My Baby Shot Me Down)

Over our Midwest Holiday Tour ’08 we got to do something really fun at our Galesburg pit stop. A few months back Wade bought a .22 Beretta and we had gone to an indoor shooting range in Burnsville to test it out. Needless to say I am a total sharp shooter. I should seriously be recruited by the FBI/CIA/Whateverthehellelsethereis b/c I am an ass kicking shooting sonofabitch.

Over Thanksgiving break I got to shoot it a bit more with my MIL and we had a blast. But this time was even better. We were lucky to have my family able to join us in Galesburg and my dad brought along his Colt .22, and Zack also had his .22 rifle. Along with Becky's and mine we had a total of 4 different .22’s to shoot with. We busted them out at Uncle Bobby’s place and went to town!

Wade and I bought a metal shooting target stand for Becky for Christmas and boy did we all break it in. Guns were blazing! It was a blast and we even got my mom (who HATES guns) to shoot 2 clips out of mine and even though she missed every shot she still did good for her 1st time shooting. In the end I did some gangsta style shooting and Lance and I double gunned it (missing every target but shooting the hell out of the snow). After all was said and done we determined we shot over 700 bullets! We had a rootin tootin shootin good time.

The moral of this story is: don't piss me off or I'll bust a cap in yo ass. :) Have a good weekend my friends!

F off Wii Fit!

So I had my first encounter w/ my new Wii Fit the other night and it asked me to perform some random “balance” tests and crud. By combining the results of these tests and my actual age, weight, height, etc it determined that my Wii Fit age is….

Fourty-fucking-three!

Seriously? 43? Man. I need to work on my posture or something. I know I’m a klutz and therefore lack a certain sense of balance and trip over everything, but really? Am I so completely unbalanced that it considers me 14 years older than real life? Dang. Getting old sucks donkey penis.

I guess I’ll be working out on my Wii Fit a lot in order to get my Wii age down to my actual age. I’ll keep you posted as to how my progress goes. Or maybe I won’t. Who knows.

(On a side note it said Wade was 27. WTF? His Wii age is actually younger than he really is. Screw off Wade. Just kidding. Don’t. I love you.)

* Update: I typed this up and forgot to post it. Since I first wrote it I have dropped my Wii Fit age down to 39. I am still 10 freaking years over my actual age. Can someone please buy me some granny panties? I seem to be needing some.

Wordless Wednesday

Bushy Bush Be-Gone!

Bush has 2 weeks left as our Commander in Chief. In light of the change that will soon be here I thought I'd share w/ you a few of the more humorous things I've heard/read Bush say in his 8 years as our President. B/c lets face it I'm pretty sure Obama will not be nearly as entertaining in his speeches.

Also, I'm not posting these to get into political banter. I'm posting this for pure entertainment joy.

"I know the human being and fish can coexist peacefully." — September 2000, explaining his energy policies at an event in Michigan.

"Rarely is the question asked, is our children learning?" — January 2000, during a campaign event in South Carolina.

"There's an old saying in Tennessee — I know it's in Texas, probably in Tennessee — that says, fool me once, shame on — shame on you. Fool me — you can't get fooled again." — Sept. 17, 2002, in Nashville, Tenn.

"Our enemies are innovative and resourceful, and so are we. They never stop thinking about new ways to harm our country and our people, and neither do we." — Aug. 5, 2004, at the signing ceremony for a defense spending bill.

"Too many good docs are getting out of business. Too many OB/GYNs aren't able to practice their love with women all across this country." — Sept. 6, 2004, at a rally in Poplar Bluff, Mo.

"It was not always a given that the United States and America would have a close relationship. After all, 60 years we were at war 60 years ago we were at war." — June 29, 2006, at the White House, where Bush met with Japanese Prime Minister Junichiro Koizumi.

"Make no mistake about it, I understand how tough it is, sir. I talk to families who die." — Dec. 7, 2006, in a joint appearance with British Prime Minister Tony Blair.

"These are big achievements for this country, and the people of Bulgaria ought to be proud of the achievements that they have achieved." — June 11, 2007, in Sofia, Bulgaria.

"Thank you, Your Holiness. Awesome speech." April 16, 2008, at a ceremony welcoming Pope Benedict XVI to the White House.

"The fact that they purchased the machine meant somebody had to make the machine. And when somebody makes a machine, it means there's jobs at the machine-making place." — May 27, 2008, in Mesa, Ariz.

"Throughout our history, the words of the Declaration have inspired immigrants from around the world to set sail to our shores. These immigrants have helped transform 13 small colonies into a great and growing nation of more than 300 people." — July 4, 2008 in Virginia.

"This thaw — took a while to thaw, it's going to take a while to unthaw." Oct. 20, 2008, in Alexandria, La., as he discussed the economy and frozen credit markets.

Great holy geez, he's got some doozies. Anyone else got any good ones out there? I found these from Yahoo but I know there's got to be several more.

God help me, I think I'm gonna miss him. :)