Bang, Bang (My Baby Shot Me Down)

Over our Midwest Holiday Tour ’08 we got to do something really fun at our Galesburg pit stop. A few months back Wade bought a .22 Beretta and we had gone to an indoor shooting range in Burnsville to test it out. Needless to say I am a total sharp shooter. I should seriously be recruited by the FBI/CIA/Whateverthehellelsethereis b/c I am an ass kicking shooting sonofabitch.

Over Thanksgiving break I got to shoot it a bit more with my MIL and we had a blast. But this time was even better. We were lucky to have my family able to join us in Galesburg and my dad brought along his Colt .22, and Zack also had his .22 rifle. Along with Becky's and mine we had a total of 4 different .22’s to shoot with. We busted them out at Uncle Bobby’s place and went to town!

Wade and I bought a metal shooting target stand for Becky for Christmas and boy did we all break it in. Guns were blazing! It was a blast and we even got my mom (who HATES guns) to shoot 2 clips out of mine and even though she missed every shot she still did good for her 1st time shooting. In the end I did some gangsta style shooting and Lance and I double gunned it (missing every target but shooting the hell out of the snow). After all was said and done we determined we shot over 700 bullets! We had a rootin tootin shootin good time.

The moral of this story is: don't piss me off or I'll bust a cap in yo ass. :) Have a good weekend my friends!

F off Wii Fit!

So I had my first encounter w/ my new Wii Fit the other night and it asked me to perform some random “balance” tests and crud. By combining the results of these tests and my actual age, weight, height, etc it determined that my Wii Fit age is….

Fourty-fucking-three!

Seriously? 43? Man. I need to work on my posture or something. I know I’m a klutz and therefore lack a certain sense of balance and trip over everything, but really? Am I so completely unbalanced that it considers me 14 years older than real life? Dang. Getting old sucks donkey penis.

I guess I’ll be working out on my Wii Fit a lot in order to get my Wii age down to my actual age. I’ll keep you posted as to how my progress goes. Or maybe I won’t. Who knows.

(On a side note it said Wade was 27. WTF? His Wii age is actually younger than he really is. Screw off Wade. Just kidding. Don’t. I love you.)

* Update: I typed this up and forgot to post it. Since I first wrote it I have dropped my Wii Fit age down to 39. I am still 10 freaking years over my actual age. Can someone please buy me some granny panties? I seem to be needing some.

Wordless Wednesday

Bushy Bush Be-Gone!

Bush has 2 weeks left as our Commander in Chief. In light of the change that will soon be here I thought I'd share w/ you a few of the more humorous things I've heard/read Bush say in his 8 years as our President. B/c lets face it I'm pretty sure Obama will not be nearly as entertaining in his speeches.

Also, I'm not posting these to get into political banter. I'm posting this for pure entertainment joy.

"I know the human being and fish can coexist peacefully." — September 2000, explaining his energy policies at an event in Michigan.

"Rarely is the question asked, is our children learning?" — January 2000, during a campaign event in South Carolina.

"There's an old saying in Tennessee — I know it's in Texas, probably in Tennessee — that says, fool me once, shame on — shame on you. Fool me — you can't get fooled again." — Sept. 17, 2002, in Nashville, Tenn.

"Our enemies are innovative and resourceful, and so are we. They never stop thinking about new ways to harm our country and our people, and neither do we." — Aug. 5, 2004, at the signing ceremony for a defense spending bill.

"Too many good docs are getting out of business. Too many OB/GYNs aren't able to practice their love with women all across this country." — Sept. 6, 2004, at a rally in Poplar Bluff, Mo.

"It was not always a given that the United States and America would have a close relationship. After all, 60 years we were at war 60 years ago we were at war." — June 29, 2006, at the White House, where Bush met with Japanese Prime Minister Junichiro Koizumi.

"Make no mistake about it, I understand how tough it is, sir. I talk to families who die." — Dec. 7, 2006, in a joint appearance with British Prime Minister Tony Blair.

"These are big achievements for this country, and the people of Bulgaria ought to be proud of the achievements that they have achieved." — June 11, 2007, in Sofia, Bulgaria.

"Thank you, Your Holiness. Awesome speech." April 16, 2008, at a ceremony welcoming Pope Benedict XVI to the White House.

"The fact that they purchased the machine meant somebody had to make the machine. And when somebody makes a machine, it means there's jobs at the machine-making place." — May 27, 2008, in Mesa, Ariz.

"Throughout our history, the words of the Declaration have inspired immigrants from around the world to set sail to our shores. These immigrants have helped transform 13 small colonies into a great and growing nation of more than 300 people." — July 4, 2008 in Virginia.

"This thaw — took a while to thaw, it's going to take a while to unthaw." Oct. 20, 2008, in Alexandria, La., as he discussed the economy and frozen credit markets.

Great holy geez, he's got some doozies. Anyone else got any good ones out there? I found these from Yahoo but I know there's got to be several more.

God help me, I think I'm gonna miss him. :)

Wordless Wednesday

Happy New Year my Internet Friends!

I Don't Do Crack, Crack Is Cheap

I stole this idea off of Exmi. The thing is to list 5 things that are your current version of crack. Stuff you can’t get enough of.

1. My new iPhone. It has internet, games, texting, GPS, camera, weather, etc. It is so fun to play with I have completely ignored my hubby (who graciously got it for me for Christmas) for the past week. Sorry hun.

2. Wine. I love wine. I’m pretty sure I am more happy with a glass of wine in my hand than any other time. The holidays allow me to splurge on my wine habit and therefore I love the holidays. What? I’m not an alcoholic. At least not that I know of. But don’t you dare threaten to take away my drink or you will unleash the beast!

3. Body lotion. The air/weather is SO super dry here in the winter my skin gets flaky and I feel like I’m going to shrivel up into nothing. I need to lather this crud on to even have some semblance of normal feel to my skin.

4. Papa John’s Garlic Butter dipping sauce. Seriously, I think they actually do put crack in this stuff. We ordered pizza from there on Sunday night when we got back in town and I basically drank this stuff it is so damn good. I just had my last piece for lunch today and was trying to figure out something good to dip in the remainder of the sauce but alas I had to toss it b/c we haven’t been to the store in ages and all I could muster up were some Cheetoh puffs and for some reason that just sounded too buttery/cheesy for me to try. I cried a little when I threw away what was left. Sob.

5. Purses. I am addicted to purses. Always have been, always will be. I have a large collection of them. My in-laws tease me about how many I have and actually gave me an old, used purse as a joke for Christmas. Unfortunately it is pretty ugly so I won’t use it. Dang it.

So what are your current addictions?

Tonight is kickboxing class. It's been awhile since we've been there due to the holidays. I'm a little nervous as to how he's going to work us. I'm sure he'll work our asses off. Well, at least that wouldn't be a bad thing. My ass is getting out of control. But really I just want to relax w/ a glass of wine. What? It's like crack to me.

I will hopefully be getting a post up on a 2008 recap, but don’t hold your breath. I’m a busy little bee here lately.

Wordless Wednesday

To the jolliest bunch of assholes this side of the nuthouse:

~MERRY CHRISTMAS!~

And since that one is kind of boring, here's a cute one:

* Little beggars sidled up to the bar to beg for holiday food (they will look this way the whole coming weekend).

(Sorry, I know this isn't wordless. I'll do better next time.)

Sweet Holy Crap Sack!

I got another award! I’m in utter disbelief! Katie totally made my day by giving me this award. And if you haven’t ever checked her blog out before, please make sure you do! Her posts are always so upbeat you can’t help but feel good after reading them (unlike my last rant of a post, sorry about that. You’ll be glad to know I’m over it now and am full on in the holiday spirit, it must have been PMS…) Anyway, onto the award!

Here are the rules:

1. Write a post about the award

2. Link back to the person who gave you the award

3. Nominate at least 7 other blogs for the award

4. Add links to those blogs on your blog

5. Leave a message for the nominees on their blogs

6. Name 10 honest random things about yourself

Okay, so 10 honest random things about me…
1. I wouldn’t mind moving back to Des Moines someday (like within the next 5 years). I know that sounds lame but it’s so much closer to our families. I think I will have a very hard time convincing Wade to do this and I would miss Minneapolis and the friends we have here so I question whether or not I can ever make it happen.
2. Although I love sharing my husband’s last name (and I wouldn’t trade it back) I sometimes miss my maiden name. It was so much easier to pronounce and no one ever asked me how to spell it.
3. I LOVE popcorn. Seriously, I eat it for breakfast almost every day.
4. My favorite food is Chicken Parmesan from Olive Garden. Say what you will about Olive Garden but NEVER bash their chicken parmesan. It is simply delish!
5. I know how to ride a motorcycle. Although not well. But I plan on getting better at it this summer!
6. I love going to Sturgis. I can’t wait until the first full week of August. The people watching there is THE BEST. Period.
7. I hate going to Babies ‘R Us. It is like a maze written out in a foreign language to me. I can never find a dang thing I’m looking for.
8. I sometimes question my sanity. Are other people like this? I end up determining that I am sane b/c I actually stop and think and realize it’s insane and therefore don’t do insane things (99% of the time anyway).
9. I’m sure most of you have realized by now that I have a twin sister, Kara. We are fraternal and everyone says I look like my dad and she looks like my mom. I think we both look like my mom though.
10. I’m becoming more of a homebody the older I get. This frightens me. I don’t want to be a boring old coot.

And that is 10! So I now pass the honor of this award onto the following of my favorites:

LBluca77 – She is one of the very first blogs I ever read and she had me hooked. She is the ultimate in hilarity.

Kicking You From The Inside – Kate is just trying to figure out parenting and she has a good sense of humor about it all.

A View from 5280ft – Matt is a male blogger (there aren’t enough of them out there) w/ a great sense of humor = bonus points! Plus, he likes to party.

Crissy’s Page – She talks in 3rd person and makes it hilarious and actually endearing. Who else can pull that off? Plus, she is the Queen of Fucking Everyone. *

Who Throws a Cupcake? Honestly. – Bon Don is a great blogger and she gave me my very first award so I am glad that I get to give one back to her finally! Well deserved my friend!

White-Collar Redneck – Another male blogger who is funny (who’da thunk it?) Plus I love his ‘Would Ya Wednesday’s?’ Check him out.

Wild ARS Chase – Must be something about those men. Another goodie you shouldn’t miss! (And he has an adorable dog)

And there ya have it. Make sure to check them out. They are all GREAT! I’ll probably only have a “Wordless Wednesday” post this week and then we are off for the holidays. So I wish you all a Merry Christmas, Happy Hanukkah, Joyous Kwanzaa, whatever the heck you celebrate, etc, etc and I hope you all make drunken fun memories!

Happy Holidays my friends!

*I stand corrected, she is the Queen of Fucking Everything. Duh Kellie. My bad. :)

Baby it's F*#%ing cold outside

It’s currently 17 degrees out and it feels like a flipping heat wave! The past 4-5 days the high has hovered around 5 degrees so this is some serious heat. And that my friends really makes me sad. Seriously, just call me Debbie Downer. Or Sad Panda. I go by both. 17 degrees feels warm?!?! WTF? Also, I’ve been outside a total of 3 times today and I’ve almost fallen on my ass 3 times. I’m batting at 1.000. I’m so good, I’m perfect. Do you know how ridiculous I look when I "almost" fall on my ass? I think I'd rather fall all the way down b/c it would look better plopping my ass on the nasty slush covered ground than it does with me trying not to fall and my arms flailing around in the air attempting to balance myself as my feet are slipping in different directions trying to make me do something I haven't done since high school (the splits). Yes, I admit, I am a total klutz. I think it is attractive. It totally brings in the men. They are basically knocking my door down. I have to fend them off w/ my karate type moves that I learned in kickboxing.

Also, this snow/ice shit is slicker than snot. Not only do I nearly fall w/ every step I take but my car slips around corners, nearly slides through stop signs and spins out every time I attempt to move from a stopped position. Watch out pedestrians, you ARE in harms way! You’d think I was driving too fast but nope, I’m going an average of 8 mph. The plow trucks seriously suck. You’d think they’d get out and actually know how to remove snow from the roads being that this is the fricking north pole (well, ok, it’s not, but it feels like it is) but noooooo….. That would mean someone would actually know how to do their job! To top it all off some piss head cut me off today and I had to slam my brakes and attempt to stop on the slippery shit covering the street. Seriously people? Don’t you realize I WILL hit you? You cannot stop on this crap. What a stupid ass chunk. MN drivers can blow me. They are the most wretched drivers I’ve ever seen. I’m not kidding. Ask any of my friends from out of town and they swear they have almost lost their lives while driving up here to visit me.

Beware: Visiting Kellie = 71% chance of losing your life to moronic MN drivers

(Other than that I have nothing against this cold mother fucker of a state. I actually quite like it. But seriously, learn how to drive Minnesotans.)

And that is my rant for the day. Thank God I have happy hour tonight. Followed by kickboxing. Maybe kickboxing will be added to my list of things that are fun to do drunk. Or maybe it will be added to my list of things to NOT do when drunk. We will soon see I guess. I’m keeping my fingers crossed that it is more fun b/c then I’d have an excuse to go to it drunk all the time. Then I'd be "living the dream". Haha! (Beth will get that quote, everyone else will probably just think it's dumb).

If this post doesn't get you in the holiday spirit then I don't know what will! Bah Humbug!

Sincerely,

Scrooge McGee :)

Wordless Wednesday